November 2007
My loved one is suffering: What to do when nothing seems to work
Some of the toughest questions I am often asked as a therapist are:
“Can I volunteer my loved one for therapy?”
“What can I do to help my loved one change?”
We all know people who are struggling and we want to do something to help. Yet often our loved ones don’t want to do anything about it. It can be painful for us to see their struggles and can be frustrating when they don’t contemplate changing. I have spent a lot of time thinking about this dilemma over the past year as I’ve faced this in friendships of my own.
The good news is: People can change and There is something we can do!
Caution: We must balance our responsibility to speak truth and make a difference in the lives of others, with taking on too much responsibility and thinking that we can do the changing for others - because that we can’t.
I have found the work of Dr. Prochaska to be helpful. He says that we consider change long before we actually do it. We move through these stages:
1. Pre-contemplation - Having no intention to change
2. Contemplation - Thinking about changing
3. Preparation - Making some early efforts
4. Action - Working on changing
5. Maintenance - Continuing the change process
Pre-contemplation is where I think we could use some suggestions. According to Dr.Prochaska and colleagues two things that can help move people to the next stage:
1. Raising their level of consciousness - by giving them information about the problem.
2. Emotional arousal - which we can do by expressing our feelings about the problem, how we are impacted by it and our feelings about possible solutions.
Considering the holiday-gift giving season fast approaching, I am planning on publishing a list of resources (books and films) on my website that have contributed to people’s healing journeys. We can learn a lot and we engage emotionally when we read books and watch films. Perhaps you will find a resource for your loved one that could contribute to their journey of healing.
So check out my website in December for ideas. I would value your contribution to this project. I usually only recommend books that I have read personally, but I wouldn’t have enough to recommend. So help me out by recommending the books that have meant a lot to you in your healing journey.
Here’s how you can contribute:
Consider a book you’ve read or film you’ve seen that has contributed to your own healing journey, has given you insight or meant a lot to you for some reason
Name the title, author and any publishing information you can find
Write a short paragraph about the story line
Write a short paragraph about what it meant to you and why
Specify a name that I can use to refer to you, albeit full name, first name, alias or anonymous
Send this information to me by December 1st:
I am excited about this project and I look forward to hearing from you! I hope to give you a list by December 7th.
With thanks,
Kathryn
Prochaska, James O., Norcross, and Carlo C. DiClemente. 1995 Changing For Good: A revolutionary Six-Stage Program for Overcoming Bad Habits and Moving Your Life Positively Forward. New York: Avon.