Therapy for Children of Divorce and Remarriage- Part 2

Therapy for Children of Divorce and Remarriage- Part 2

What will the long-term impact of divorce be on my child?

When you are considering getting a divorce, you want to know what the impact of this decision will be on your children. As a parent, this will be one of the most challenging decisions to make. My guess is that you are existing in an unhealthy marriage, and you want out; and yet are wanting to protect your children from the negative effects of divorce. It’s a difficult decision for a parent to make, especially at time when you are in a place of pain. Here are the important things to consider as you decide what to do, about how badly your child will be impacted by your divorce.

There are researchers and authors who have presented arguments for each side: the perspective that children are damaged by divorce, and the other perspective that children are resilient and won’t have long term difficulties after divorce. Having read a lot of their work, I have come to value the words of Emery who said: Well the truth lies in the middle.

 

Here are three things to consider that impact how your children will adjust to your divorce:

1. Consider the beginning:

For most children, the first two years will be difficult. There is much to grieve and there are transitions to move through. Long-term, research shows that with good support, 80% of children of divorce have no bigger psychological problems than other children. You can help your children to get through this difficult initial grieving phase.

2. Risk and protective factors:

There are things you can do that will make the adjustment more stressful, and other things that will protect your child from distress. The protective factors include your child having strong relationships with others and particularly with positive adult models. Providing a stable home environment with structure is another protective factor, along with being able to give your child a realistic explanation for the reason for the divorce. You can teach your child good coping skills, but you need to be doing ok emotionally, in order to do so. The risk factors in divorce include children blaming themselves for the divorce, ongoing high-conflict between parents, and when children find themselves in the middle of fighting parents. Other risk factors include parents not being emotionally available to children, and when there is instability in the environment.

3. Resources:

Sometimes it’s hard to sift through all the information out there in a time when you are in crisis. There are so many resources available, varying from support groups for adults and children, to informational sessions hosted in the community, to books for adults, parents and kids. Visit some of these support groups, so that you can hear how other parents are coping.


Making the decision to get divorced is very difficult, but whether or not your child will be able to adjust, is not the question. We know that children are resilient with the right kind of support. So, if you are going to go ahead with this, consider getting support so that you can be a resource to your child, to help them adjust in healthy ways.

There is no easy answer, instead one can only trust that the process of grieving and of guidance seeking, will bring clarity. Consider waiting until you are sure, to share the news with your child, otherwise they will be suspended in transition alongside you, for a long time, without answers.

If you are not aware of the resources in San Diego, or feel you need extra support in making this decision, or explaining it to your children, give me a call and I’d be happy to help.

Sharing the Divorce with your Children

Sharing the Divorce with your Children

Sharing the Divorce News

Arriving at the time to share the news with your children can be an overwhelming and scary period. In the first blog post I recap the generals in thinking through elements beforehand. This post deals with the best way to share the actual news. And in the following blog post I share what to expect and how to prepare for the aftermath and moving forward. 

How to Tell your Children You Are Getting A Divorce:

Before anything- be sure you are getting a divorce before you share! Be at least one step ahead in the processing and grieving process, and to consider a plan & logistics moving forward.

*Consider what it is you want to say

  • Tell the news together, if possible
  • Consider child’s age and what they can digest
  • Tell child what is going to happen. DON’T TELL ON YOUR SPOUSE

When to Share The News of the Divorce:

*Consider when and how you are going to go about it

  • Avoid important days, such as holidays. As well as days when anybody is feeling sick
  • Do it when you have plenty of time without limitations
  • Younger children (2-3 weeks before any major structural changes)
  • Older children (1-2 months before any major structural changes)
  • Emote with the children “Everyone gets to grieve together”

Therapy for Children of Divorce and Remarriage- Part 1

Therapy for Children of Divorce and Remarriage- Part 1

THERAPY for CHILDREN of DIVORCE & REMARRIAGE- Part 1

I’ve decided to take a season and dedicate my next blogs to focus on divorce and changing families. There is such a need in San Diego County to support families who are changing in their structure. Over the last three years I am getting more and more calls from families in San Diego who need guidance. Most often I get the call once the divorce is in process. Parents are concerned about their children’s reactions: anger outbursts, problems at school, separation anxiety and acting out at home. When children are under stress, it shows up in their behavior, and parents get worried. Divorce brings loss and change on many levels, and it takes time for everyone in the family, to adjust to this.

I am teaching a class at UCSD in the Play Therapy Certificate Program on families who are changing due to divorce and remarriage. As I have prepared for this class, I have been reading many of the texts, books and research articles on this topic. With my experience in my own personal life, and in my professional practice, it is a privilege to help to equip parents to go through this difficult journey, being as prepared as possible. If you are professional working with children, come and take this class to get up to date on how to work with families that are impacted by divorce and by remarriage.

The image that comes to mind for me, when I think about divorce, is that of a lego construction that is being broken to the ground. There are lots of little pieces left lying on the ground. The tragedy is that the family that once was, is no more.

The opportunity, is that with time, something new will be built, and a family has lots of control over what the new construction will look like.

 

In today’s world, there are lots of different kinds of family structures. It’s difficult to say goodbye to what once was, but it is important to know that there will be a new reality, and that there are important building blocks that make the difference in what will be.

There are many resources available in San Diego for families adjusting to divorce. Much research has been done around the world to support parents, and so we know how to guide you through these changes. It would be ideal to equip yourself with this information before you share the news of divorce with your children, so that you know what matters in breaking the news, know how to support them, and know what factors will make a difference in their recovery.

Read my next couple blogs for some tips and facts, or come and see me so that I can guide you through this time.

Let’s Talk: Vulnerability

Let’s Talk: Vulnerability

We all get into these patterns of disconnection. Underneath our defensive strategies, we are just feeling hurt and afraid as humans. This is universal in all human nature. These softer and deeper feelings can take two forms, either fearing abandonment, or fearing rejection.

Abandonment might sound like: I’m alone, uncared for, unseen, I don’t get responded to.
Rejection might sound like: I’m criticized, I’m inadequate, I’m failing, I’m unwanted.

When we are hurt and fearful at such a deep level, it’s very difficult to reach out and admit this. To actually share this with one another, takes tremendous courage. Of course, when we are feeling abandoned or rejected, we don’t want to take a risk and then be dropped even more.

It feels counterintuitive to give this advice, but it’s one of those universal truths. If you take the risk and share these deeper, submerged feelings, most often, you will get a supportive response. The Latin word for vulnerability means to wound. So to open yourself up in this way, instead of putting on your armor, means you open yourself up to getting hurt. Your partner will see this, and will see the tremendous gift you are giving them in digging up these difficult-to-reveal feelings, and offering them open hands, open heartwhite flag, to them in the process.

Take a chance this week, and when you feel yourself getting hurt or afraid, let your partner know that you are having a hard time.
Tell your partner that you have got a deeper response going on inside of you, that might be hard to share, but that you are deeply impacted by what is happening between the two of you, when you feel so disconnected from each other.

Couples Image by The Kitcheners: http://thekitcheners.co.uk/2015/05/glencoe-wedding-photography.html
Facing Challenges Together: Marriage Counseling San Diego

Facing Challenges Together: Marriage Counseling San Diego

Facing Challenges Together: Marriage Counseling San Diego

I’ve done marriage counseling San Diego for twelve years, and married for twenty, and I still get really upset in my marriage. And would you believe I’m still learning things about Etienne.
I’m recently aware of how much of a perceptive and social person he is. He can tell instantly if I am accessible, or if I’m stressed and preoccupied in my head. I’ve lived a lot of life in my head, on my own, and so I’m used to going to this place of internal focus. So when I focus in this way, he feels like he has no connection with me. We are finding a way to communicate around this spot. For him to say that he’s lost me, and for me to notice when I turn inward and away. To know how my internal focus affects people around me.

Our biggest challenge is the lack of time we have together. We are both building our businesses and are very involved with family life. We try to give our children quality time, and we are also looking after our parents. And so this means that the time we have alone together is very limited. When we do the ARE – Are you Accessible, Emotionally Engaged and Responsive Questionnaire, we both rate the other as hardly accessible. We love to be there for each other, and can connect on a deep and meaningful level quickly, but we really have to reach out and let the other know that they are needed. So in our relationship, we need to speak up, and to reach out to one another intentionally, when it counts.

>TAKE THE A.R.E. QUESTIONNAIRE HERE

Questions to ask: 

Can you get your partner’s attention?

Does your partner show you that you come first?

Can you confide in your partner about almost anything and everything?

These are the questions that will determine how your relationship is going!

 

KathEt kathedited2

One of the things that can benefit a relationship most is awareness. Awareness of how you come across, of how your partner is feeling, and ways to better tune in to that process. That is just one of the reasons I have started teaching Hold Me Tight Workshops. I have seen it benefit so many couples, just by setting aside intentional space to value each other and work towards an end goal of learning more about yourself and ways to be better attuned to your partner.

>Check out my other blog for more information about EFT & Hold Me Tight Workshops

 

Choosing War or Peace: Couples Counseling

Choosing War or Peace: Couples Counseling

Choosing War or Peace: How Your Relationship May Benefit From Couples Counseling

We all get stuck in negative communication patterns. If we perceive someone as attacking us, being negative or not being there for us, we get hurt and afraid.

In this moment of vulnerability, we have two choices:

We can reach out and check in, “Hey did you mean to hurt me, or did I just hear that wrong?”

OR we can assume the worst.

If we assume the worst, that our partner did just attack, see us poorly or ignore us,
then we will lift up our shields and put our defensive armor on. These are defensive
strategies and the moment we choose to engage these strategies instead of risking
and reaching, we choose war over peace.

If naturally assuming the worst or putting up those walls is a habit for you (as it is for most of us!) here are a few game changing ideas to help change the situations:
1. Catch your negative cycle and label it as it occurs
As you notice yourself putting up your armor, defending yourself, notice that
your partner is probably doing the same thing. See who can call it out first:
“Oh boy, here we go again”  or “Uh-Oh, we’re in the war zone”.

2. Try to check in one time this week 
Ask your partner – I saw you roll your eyes, was that meant for me? I heard anger in your voice, are you upset with me? I see you walking away, are you trying to get away from me? Usually the case is that your partner has no idea what cues they are giving off. This gets the conversation going in a way that will directly address any issues you two may be having, and will better aid in a solution and easier communication in the future.

3. Need more help? Sign up for Couples Counseling at a Hold Me Tight Workshop
EFT Workshops are two-day events that give you and your partner more amazing tools to stop negative relational patterns and instead move forward to where you both want to be. Join other couples in the journey to a firm foundation and reconciliation. Not sure what Emotionally Focused Therapy is or want to know more about Hold Me Tight workshops? Check out our other article about the foundations of EFT and HMT

Couple image from: http://www.cbnsp.com.br/artigos/a-dificil-arte-de-perdoar/

Emotionally Focused Therapy / Hold Me Tight Workshops

Emotionally Focused Therapy / Hold Me Tight Workshops

What’s the deal about EFT and what are Hold Me Tight Workshops, and what can they do for my relationship with my partner? 

So you’ve been hearing more and more about EFT and want to know more about it?

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a therapy model developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, who has spent years observing couples and diving into the understanding of what keeps couples in love, and on the other side what goes into a couple’s  negative “dance” that keeps them stuck in the same circle pattern over and over.

After these observations, she come to the conclusions that while often those around us complain of love being “mysterious”– that it all seems to come down to the same root issue. Of our innate want to feel protected and comforted in our relationships. Knowing our partner will be there when we most need them. Sound familiar? It’s tied with the same needs we have as infants and children needing “nurturing and soothing” from our parents. This gives us the freedom we need and the ability to navigate through the difficulties of life together and not get tangled up in the daily difficulties with our partner.

In fact, “Empirical research has supported the effectiveness of EFT, showing that 70-75% of couples move from distress to recovery and about 90% show significant improvements (the best results of any couple therapy) and evidence shows that these positive effects last over time.”

Curious about the workshops and what’s involved?

The Hold Me Tight® Workshop was developed by Dr. Sue Johnson and is designed around seven conversations based on the Hold Me Tight book, all of which have been shown to be essential to successful relations.  You will learn how to understand and improve your relationship through presentations by the workshop leaders, private exercises and conversations with your partner and by watching video demonstrations of other couples.”

We consistently provide and love putting on Hold Me Tight Workshops locally in San Diego, and around the globe. We invite you to contact us with any other questions about the process- as we have seen this workshop provide visible and withstanding results for couples each one we hold. Maybe you’re already in a relationship that feels healthy and you just want more tools for when life hits hidden turns. Or maybe your relationship is already feeling rocky and you need some help regaining footing moving forward. Hold Me Tight Workshops can help establish a solid foundation no matter what season of life you and your partner are in!

Information adapted from: http://www.drsuejohnson.com/books/hold-me-tight/

Want to dive deeper into EFT? It’s been mentioned in the following articles:

PSYCHOLOGY TODAY

MIND BODY GREEN

PSYCH CENTRAL

A.R.E  Couples Therapy Questionnaire

A.R.E Couples Therapy Questionnaire

The Hold Me Tight Program: Conversations for Connection.

This ARE Couples Therapy Questionnaire allows you to reflect on where you are in your relationship right now. What are your areas of strength as well as any areas for potential growth.
The biggest question you want to consider as you look at these results is:
Can I share this with my partner?
Would this be difficult to talk about?

 

People connect with each other in different ways, but it’s universally agreed, that we
all need emotional connection. Couples also need a bond of trust with each other,that sense that they can give one another the benefit of the doubt. It means that you
know that your partner will be there for you if you need them. It’s knowing that your person will give you support, and that you will feel comforted by them. The
security that you get from knowing that you have someone in your corner impacts
your physical health, and your mental health.
When you want this connection with your loved one, but you can’t get it, it affects
you deeply. Some people panic, some people feel isolated and others get upset. It’s
this threat, this emotional disconnection that underlies the fights we have and
the distance we feel.

 

 

As you consider this connection and disconnection, please complete these exercises:
* Consider what attracted you to your partner.

* List five strengths in your relationship

* Complete the A.R.E Questionnaire below, and go over it with your partner

 

If you want to improve your relationship, and if it’s at all tricky to have these types of conversations, then this retreat is the right step for you. All you need to do is to sign you and your partner up, and we will take care of the rest. We will help you to feel at home, and will lead you step for step through all the conversations that couples need to be having.
Click on this link to sign up now

From your viewpoint, is your partner accessible to you? Answer the questions below using a scale 0-10, where 0 = not at all true, and 10 = completely true.  Write number in the right column – add up total for each section.

ACCESSIBILITY – from your viewpoint, how accessible is your partner to you?

1.  I can get my partner’s attention easily

2.  My partner is easy to connect with emotionally

3.  My partner shows me that I come first with him/her

4. I don’t feel shut out in this relationship  (the less shut out you feel – the higher your score)

5.  I can share my deepest feelings with my partner.  He/she will listen

Total for accessibility

RESPONSIVENESS – from your viewpoint, is your partner responsive to you?

1. If I need connection and comfort, he/she will be there for me

2. My partner responds to signals that I need him/her to come close

3.  I find I can lean on my partner when I am anxious or unsure

4.  Even when we fight or disagree, I know I am important to my partner and we will find a way to come together

5. If I need assurance about how important I am to my partner, I can get it

Total for responsiveness

ENGAGEMENT – are you positively emotionally engaged with each other?

1.  I feel very comfortable being close to, trusting my partner

2.  I can confide in my partner about almost anything

3.  I feel confident, even when we are apart, that we are connected to each other

4.  I know that my partner cares about my joys, hurts, and fears

5.  I feel safe enough to take emotional risks with my partner

Total for engagement

Adapted from Hold Me Tight, by Susan Johnson

Kathryn Flyer HMT 09.30

The 3 Key Ways Everyone Can Benefit From Family Therapy

The 3 Key Ways Everyone Can Benefit From Family Therapy

When I first meet someone and strike up a conversation about what I do, I’m often asked who reaps family therapy benefits. Well, the short answer to that question is: everyone. All families experience challenging times. When a family goes through a crisis of some sort, how the family reacts is nearly as important as the crisis itself. That’s where family therapy plays a big role—it works through the challenges within a family, helping each family member grow and learn from the experience.

Certain families have “big” experiences that can make family therapy especially beneficial. If someone in your family has been diagnosed with a serious illness; if a family member has a mental health condition or addiction; if there’s continual conflict between family members; or if a child is going through difficulty and you aren’t sure why, family therapy has a definite role in helping you through those challenges. But even families dealing with the seemingly mundane, everyday challenges of life will come away with three key benefits from time spent in family therapy.


San Diego Family Therapy Benefits: Creates Stronger Emotional Connections

Americans are experiencing a change in mindset when it comes to emotions. In the past, people were encouraged to put their emotions to the side and deal with life. Now we know that it’s important to work through emotions rather than masking them.

Feeling comfortable sharing your emotions can be a challenge, even among family members. It’s important to establish strong emotional connections that allow individuals to truly be themselves and families to work through issues as a whole.

Families are now realizing that they need to be emotionally and relationally strong. They understand that the emotional piece is important now, but aren’t quite sure how to have the conversations that strengthen their relationship. Family therapy is the “safe place” that helps families find that comfort level and strengthen those connections. As families come together in therapy, I work with them to have those important conversations.


San Diego Family Therapy Benefits: Builds Better Communication Skills

So how does family therapy impact communication skills? Consider this: Does your family typically have “normal” discussions in a calm tone of voice? Or do you find yourself beginning a normal conversation and then breaking off into heated battle?

Most people don’t really know or understand the basics of healthy communication. We often simply want to get our point across without giving thought to others in the conversation. It’s something each family has to continually work through.

Family therapy helps family members strengthen their communication skills, allowing them to more constructively work through any challenges they encounter. When you can properly express your feelings and share ideas, it makes dealing with those challenges much easier.


San Diego Family Therapy Benefits: Develops Clearer Boundaries and Rules

The first family therapy sessions are very much about getting to know you. I strive to gain a clear and complete understanding of who you are as individuals and as a family. As part of that, we take a deep dive into how your family functions.

You may be dealing with marital problems, conflict between parents and children or between one child and another, or something beyond the control of your family, such as a health issue or a job loss. Family therapy helps you work through how your family currently works—including family rules—and determine whether that actually works for you and how it can be made better.

My ultimate goal, after all, is to strengthen your family so that you can handle any issues that may arise.

If your family is experiencing a challenging time, I’m here to help. Schedule a free, 15-minute call with me to see how therapy may help your family.

MENTORS

MENTORS

I have been so blessed to have amazing mentors in my life. Tonight I got to celebrate with one of them, Dr. Keith Olson, who is retiring from 19 years of service at Bethel Seminary. A night filled with reminiscing at Bethel tonight, along with staff, faculty and alumni. It was a magical, touching evening of recalling my student days at Bethel, 12 years back. And so even as I was saying goodbye to Keith tonight, he blessed me yet again. I realized that for the first time of living in San Diego, I have major history in this city. I feel so deeply, about a period of my life in San Diego, that happened from 2001 – 2004. I have history in San Diego! That gives me a sense of belonging that I haven’t felt before. But back to Keith, tonight was about him. Here is a tribute to him:

A giant in my life

Your presence is that of a giant

A tall, friendly, gentle giant

A giant in my life

Changing my course in an unequivocal way

 

Always there at Bethel

Available, present, caring and protecting

Guiding and leading as needed

Tender and sweet in nature

 

Coffee meetings in various Starbucks

Intellectual conversations and questions answered

All the while standing in as an attachment figure

Serving a fatherly role without even knowing it

 

I could not be who I am, if it wasn’t for you

Your love, your influence, your training

And I will be forever grateful for the person you are

The teacher, the mentor and friend

 

You will always be a giant in my life

I will always be indebted to you

Tears in my eyes as I write this now

Missing you will become a part of life

 

You’ve sown so much, given of yourself

Changed so many lives, many more than my own

Enjoy your retirement and investing in your little ones

I’m so grateful to have had such a giant in my life