What will the long-term impact of divorce be on my child?
When you are considering getting a divorce, you want to know what the impact of this decision will be on your children. As a parent, this will be one of the most challenging decisions to make. My guess is that you are existing in an unhealthy marriage, and you want out; and yet are wanting to protect your children from the negative effects of divorce. It’s a difficult decision for a parent to make, especially at time when you are in a place of pain. Here are the important things to consider as you decide what to do, about how badly your child will be impacted by your divorce.
There are researchers and authors who have presented arguments for each side: the perspective that children are damaged by divorce, and the other perspective that children are resilient and won’t have long term difficulties after divorce. Having read a lot of their work, I have come to value the words of Emery who said: Well the truth lies in the middle.
Here are three things to consider that impact how your children will adjust to your divorce:
1. Consider the beginning:
For most children, the first two years will be difficult. There is much to grieve and there are transitions to move through. Long-term, research shows that with good support, 80% of children of divorce have no bigger psychological problems than other children. You can help your children to get through this difficult initial grieving phase.
2. Risk and protective factors:
There are things you can do that will make the adjustment more stressful, and other things that will protect your child from distress. The protective factors include your child having strong relationships with others and particularly with positive adult models. Providing a stable home environment with structure is another protective factor, along with being able to give your child a realistic explanation for the reason for the divorce. You can teach your child good coping skills, but you need to be doing ok emotionally, in order to do so. The risk factors in divorce include children blaming themselves for the divorce, ongoing high-conflict between parents, and when children find themselves in the middle of fighting parents. Other risk factors include parents not being emotionally available to children, and when there is instability in the environment.
3. Resources:
Sometimes it’s hard to sift through all the information out there in a time when you are in crisis. There are so many resources available, varying from support groups for adults and children, to informational sessions hosted in the community, to books for adults, parents and kids. Visit some of these support groups, so that you can hear how other parents are coping.
Making the decision to get divorced is very difficult, but whether or not your child will be able to adjust, is not the question. We know that children are resilient with the right kind of support. So, if you are going to go ahead with this, consider getting support so that you can be a resource to your child, to help them adjust in healthy ways.
There is no easy answer, instead one can only trust that the process of grieving and of guidance seeking, will bring clarity. Consider waiting until you are sure, to share the news with your child, otherwise they will be suspended in transition alongside you, for a long time, without answers.
If you are not aware of the resources in San Diego, or feel you need extra support in making this decision, or explaining it to your children, give me a call and I’d be happy to help.
We all get into these patterns of disconnection. Underneath our defensive strategies, we are just feeling hurt and afraid as humans. This is universal in all human nature. These softer and deeper feelings can take two forms, either fearing abandonment, or fearing rejection.
Abandonment might sound like: I’m alone, uncared for, unseen, I don’t get responded to. Rejection might sound like: I’m criticized, I’m inadequate, I’m failing, I’m unwanted.
When we are hurt and fearful at such a deep level, it’s very difficult to reach out and admit this. To actually share this with one another, takes tremendous courage. Of course, when we are feeling abandoned or rejected, we don’t want to take a risk and then be dropped even more.
It feels counterintuitive to give this advice, but it’s one of those universal truths. If you take the risk and share these deeper, submerged feelings, most often, you will get a supportive response. The Latin word for vulnerability means to wound. So to open yourself up in this way, instead of putting on your armor, means you open yourself up to getting hurt. Your partner will see this, and will see the tremendous gift you are giving them in digging up these difficult-to-reveal feelings, and offering them open hands, open heart, white flag, to them in the process.
Take a chance this week, and when you feel yourself getting hurt or afraid, let your partner know that you are having a hard time. Tell your partner that you have got a deeper response going on inside of you, that might be hard to share, but that you are deeply impacted by what is happening between the two of you, when you feel so disconnected from each other.
Couples Image by The Kitcheners: http://thekitcheners.co.uk/2015/05/glencoe-wedding-photography.html
Facing Challenges Together: Marriage Counseling San Diego
I’ve done marriage counseling San Diego for twelve years, and married for twenty, and I still get really upset in my marriage. And would you believe I’m still learning things about Etienne.
I’m recently aware of how much of a perceptive and social person he is. He can tell instantly if I am accessible, or if I’m stressed and preoccupied in my head. I’ve lived a lot of life in my head, on my own, and so I’m used to going to this place of internal focus. So when I focus in this way, he feels like he has no connection with me. We are finding a way to communicate around this spot. For him to say that he’s lost me, and for me to notice when I turn inward and away. To know how my internal focus affects people around me.
Our biggest challenge is the lack of time we have together. We are both building our businesses and are very involved with family life. We try to give our children quality time, and we are also looking after our parents. And so this means that the time we have alone together is very limited. When we do the ARE – Are you Accessible, Emotionally Engaged and Responsive Questionnaire, we both rate the other as hardly accessible. We love to be there for each other, and can connect on a deep and meaningful level quickly, but we really have to reach out and let the other know that they are needed. So in our relationship, we need to speak up, and to reach out to one another intentionally, when it counts.
Can you confide in your partner about almost anything and everything?
These are the questions that will determine how your relationship is going!
One of the things that can benefit a relationship most is awareness. Awareness of how you come across, of how your partner is feeling, and ways to better tune in to that process. That is just one of the reasons I have started teaching Hold Me Tight Workshops. I have seen it benefit so many couples, just by setting aside intentional space to value each other and work towards an end goal of learning more about yourself and ways to be better attuned to your partner.
Choosing War or Peace: How Your Relationship May Benefit From Couples Counseling
We all get stuck in negative communication patterns. If we perceive someone as attacking us, being negative or not being there for us, we get hurt and afraid.
In this moment of vulnerability, we have two choices:
We can reach out and check in, “Hey did you mean to hurt me, or did I just hear that wrong?”
OR we can assume the worst.
If we assume the worst, that our partner did just attack, see us poorly or ignore us,
then we will lift up our shields and put our defensive armor on. These are defensive
strategies and the moment we choose to engage these strategies instead of risking
and reaching, we choose war over peace.
If naturally assuming the worst or putting up those walls is a habit for you (as it is for most of us!) here are a few game changing ideas to help change the situations: 1. Catch your negative cycle and label it as it occurs
As you notice yourself putting up your armor, defending yourself, notice that
your partner is probably doing the same thing. See who can call it out first:
“Oh boy, here we go again” or “Uh-Oh, we’re in the war zone”.
2. Try to check in one time this week
Ask your partner – I saw you roll your eyes, was that meant for me? I heard anger in your voice, are you upset with me? I see you walking away, are you trying to get away from me? Usually the case is that your partner has no idea what cues they are giving off. This gets the conversation going in a way that will directly address any issues you two may be having, and will better aid in a solution and easier communication in the future.
3. Need more help? Sign up for Couples Counseling at a Hold Me Tight Workshop
EFT Workshops are two-day events that give you and your partner more amazing tools to stop negative relational patterns and instead move forward to where you both want to be. Join other couples in the journey to a firm foundation and reconciliation. Not sure what Emotionally Focused Therapy is or want to know more about Hold Me Tight workshops? Check out our other article about the foundations of EFT and HMT
To address attachment concerns, reduce attachment insecurities, and foster the creation of a secure bond (Johnson, Creating Connections, p21)
OVERALL TASKS:
The creation and maintenance of a consistent positive therapeutic alliance with both partners.
The accessing and reprocessing of emotional experience.
The restructuring of interactions.
STAGE 1, STEP 1
GOAL: To create an alliance where both partners feel safe and accepted by the therapist
MEASURABLE: client’s report of feeling safe, client’s ability to disclose how he experiences the therapeutic process and his ability to collaborate on treatment goals as evidenced by his participation during the sessions, client giving three examples of the problem areas, client committed to therapy as evidenced by attending weekly for 3 weeks, express vulnerable moments in past 3 weeks, client making eye contact 4 times a session, clients report they are feeling safe and are able to trust.
INTERVENTIONS: attending to the tasks that are important for clients, understanding clients perception of the problem, therapist responding and being accessible to clients, creating a safe environment for clients to explore their distress, working through paperwork and explaining EFT, by identifying and articulating the problematic cognitive-affective processes underlying and generating symptomatic experience, open discussion of history seeking treatment, attend and actively participate in conjoint sessions with partner
GOAL: To assess each partner’s goals and agendas for therapy and to ascertain whether these goals are feasible and compatible with partner’s agendas and therapists skill level, and the nature of the therapy / To assess the nature of the problem and the relationship, including its suitability for therapy in general and EFT in particular
MEASURABLE: clients completing the forms: Initial assessment questionnaire; Couple Satisfaction Checklist;Individual Problem Checklist; The Couple Screening Form and the DAS.
INTERVENTIONS: attending to the tasks that are important for clients, understanding clients perception of the problem, therapist responding and being accessible to clients, creating a safe environment for clients to explore their distress, working through paperwork and explaining EFT, by identifying and articulating the problematic cognitive-affective processes underlying and generating symptomatic experience, open discussion of history seeking treatment, attend and actively participate in conjoint sessions with partner
GOAL: To create a therapeutic agreement between the couple and therapist, a consensus as to therapeutic goals and how therapy will be conducted
MEASURABLE: evidenced in clients and therapist writing down one agreed upon goal for therapy on a form that is signed and placed in chart.
INTERVENTIONS: By utilizing assessment forms, by using reflection, validation and tracking, understanding clients perception of the problem, therapist responding and being accessible to clients, creating a safe environment for clients to explore their distress.
GOAL: To complete assessment of safety and contraindications for therapy
MEASURABLE: by clients attending individual sessions, by completing handouts such as the Couples Satisfaction Checklist, the Individual problem checklist, client signing informed consent, agreeing to no-secrets policy
INTERVENTIONS: Looking at contraindications, discussing no-secrets policy, by asking about the presence of abuse, affairs and addiction, by providing individuals sessions to assess for abuse, affairs and addiction, by discussing the modality of treatment offered, by providing a handout on EFT, assessing for trauma
STAGE 1, STEP 2
GOAL: To enter into the experience of each partner and sense how each constructs their experience of this relationship.
MEASURABLE: Assess for view of self and other, their description of their action tendencies
GOAL: To begin to make hypotheses as to the vulnerabilities and attachment issues underlying each partner’s position in the relationship.
MEASURABLE: Client agrees to attachment desires such as wanting to matter
INTERVENTIONS: Empathic conjecture
GOAL: To track and describe the typical recurring sequences of interactions that perpetuate this couple’s distress and to crystallize each partner’s position in the interaction.
MEASURABLE: Cycle sheet is completed, couple will complete the “When we are not getting along sheet”
GOAL: To begin to understand how the present relationship evolved and what prompted the couple to seek therapy.
MEASURABLE: Clients will each share the story of their relationship
GOAL: To begin to hypothesize as to the blocks to secure attachment and emotional engagement within and between partners and to explore these.
MEASURABLE: Complete relationship history and assessment for attachment history and attachment injuries
GOAL: To sense how this couple responds to interventions and how easy or difficult the process of therapy is going to be.
MEASURABLE: Each person in couple takes responsibility for the problems in the relationship as evidenced by the statement … “ I know I…”
GOAL: Partners will recognize the cycle that is keeping them emotionally distant and try to identify the needs and fears fueling that cycle.
MEASURABLE: clients being able to talk about the latest incident of this problem area, identify a trigger to the latest argument, client naming one negative perception they are having during moments of disconnection, one secondary, one primary and one action tendency, the clients ability to recognize triggers, to recognize and report the negative thoughts including ‘I am stupid, I don’t measure up, I am a failure’ to recognize the emotions of ‘fear, sadness, helplessness and shame’ that underly the cycle, by naming three examples of the problems area in the relationship, by the emotional pattern between the couple becoming explicit within session and cycle sheet being filled out completely and placed in file.
INTERVENTIONS: listening and exploring the client’s narrative about the problem, by identifying and articulating the problematic cognitive-affective processes underlying and generating symptomatic experience, tracking, reflection, validation
STAGE 1, STEP 3
GOAL: Access the primary emotions that are usually excluded from individual awareness and no explicitly included in the partners’ interactions.
INTERVENTIONS: Actively engaging and focussing on the emotional experience that is occurring in the here and now, expanding the experience, Acknowledge and validate the secondary responses, but then engage the client in the process of exploring specific experiences and eliciting the emotions that are disowned,discounted, or avoided, focus on emotion implicit in nonverbal behavior, when one partner exhibits nonverbal behavior that is in response to the other that is noteworthy due to its incongruity, intensity,or effect on the interaction, redirect the process in the session back when the cycle takes over and help the partner engage more in exploration of experience, have an open stance towards the person often by leaning forward, a slower speaking pace that usual and longer pauses, a lower and softer voice, simple, concrete words, often images and using the clients words, validation, evocative reflections and questions are designed to open up and expand each partner’s emotional experience of the relationship, heightening intensifies crystallizes emotional responses, empathic conjecture expands present process
GOAL: Use the primary emotional responses and the attachment needs reflected by these responses, to expand the context of the couple’s problems.
INTERVENTIONS: expanding the experience, reprocessing the experience with discovery and creation so that new aspects of experience are encountered, by asking permission to stay longer, by asking where in the body the client feels the emotion, by asking what thought is linked to the feeling, by asking what behavior is linked the emotion, by asking what words the feeling has to say, by using therapist self-disclosure to let client see impact on therapist, by normalizing and validating the emotion
GOAL: Access the unacknowledged emotions underlying the interactional positions, Partners will articulate the emotions behind their behaviour, accessing underlying attachment affect
Client will be able to identify the fear she has when she thinks about socially awkward interactions she has
Client states that she feels small and naked when she asks him for help, and so instead she communicates in anger because it makes her feel bigger. Client cries as she explains that….
MEASURABLE: and to share these emotions in sessions by session 5 at least once a session, to identify, name and talk about the fear once per session, by each partner or a client identifying and expressing and coming in contact with their primary emotions fueling secondary reactive behaviors two times per sessions,
INTERVENTIONS: observing and attending to the client’s style of processing emotion, identify and respond to the painful aspects of clients experience, Empathic reflection, Validation of emotions and realities, Evocative questioning and responding, Heighten and expand, Empathic interpretation and conjecture, Track and reflect process, focus on one person’s position in the interaction and how this person experiences the other and his own emotions in this interaction
STAGE 1, STEP 4
GOAL: Frame the couple’s problem in terms of the way the couple interact and the emotional responses that organize such interactions.
GOAL: Increase couples awareness of their own role in the conflict and decrease pursuit withdraw/ withdraw – withdraw/ attack – attack cycles
MEASURABLE: Increase awareness of own role in relationship conflicts, evidenced by 2 less critical behaviors per week, fewer conflicts
withdrawn partner is perceived now not so much as indifferent or uncaring, but rather as withdrawing as protection from the enormous impact of the other’s actions
GOAL: Reframe the problem in terms of underlying emotions and attachment needs.
MEASURABLE: Client will recognize negative cycle as the common enemy. Partners will realize that they are both hurting and that neither is to blame. Partners will begin to acknowledge and accept the other’s feelings and their own new responses to those feelings, a clear picture of their negative interaction cycle as the enemy blocking them,
withdrawn partner is not talking in session about his paralysis in the face of his wife’s criticism, rather than just going numb and silent. Wife is still angry, but as actively hostile as before and is beginning to talk of her hurt.
INTERVENTIONS: by assigning couple a between session task noticing when moments of disconnection happen, and in what they contribute to, maintain or end the disconnection, by using attachment language and eliciting motivations behind behavior, staying with primary emotions for long enough for unmet needs to emerge and come into awareness,
GOAL: Couple has formulated a coherent and meaningful picture of the patterns that define their relationship, as well as of how they create them.
GOAL: Partners are engaged in a new kind of dialogue about emotions, attachment issues, and cycles, and how these all go together, are beginning to be emotionally engaged with each other in the therapy sessions.
STAGE 2, STEP 5
GOAL: Emotions accessed in step 3 are experienced more fully and related to the way each partner perceives self and other in the relationship
MEASURABLE: To acknowledge and express to spouse that hostile approaches produces feelings of inadequacy, owning and acceptance of…acknowledged and share with partner client will be able to, to express the impact partner’s behavior has on them in a personal and vulnerable way, show an understanding of their intrapsychic experience and share, talk with partner vulnerable twice in session attachment fears, client will be able to articulate attachment longings and desires
INTERVENTIONS: Empathic reflection, Validation of emotions and realities, Evocative questioning and responding, Heighten and expand, Empathic interpretation and conjecture, directive an enactment
GOAL: Previously unformulated or avoided experience is encountered, claimed, and congruently expressed to the partner.
previously withdrawn husband, who generally avoids the anxious feelings elicited by his wife’s comments, now fully experiences and states his fear of her criticism.
INTERVENTIONS: Redirect the process, and if necessary, block the other partner’s interference.
GOAL: Partners own and take possession of their emotional experience of the relationship
withdrawn husband professes his fear and, in the process, accesses and expresses his unfulfilled need and longing for acceptance.
MEASURABLE: Withdrawn partner is able to explain what is happening in the relationship, in a congruent manner “I feel so small, so I back off and go away”
INTERVENTION: Orient the individual to his/her needs in the relationship
GOAL: Person will reach a sense of closure or synthesis of his/her underlying emotion and clearly relate this experience to the partner, with the focus of sharing on self.
GOAL: Attachment longings and desires begin to be clearly articulated.
STAGE 2, STEP 6
GOAL: Support the other partner to hear, process, and respond to to Step 5, so that this new experience can become part of, and begin to reshape, the couple’s interactions.
MEASURABLE: Receiving partner will be responsive to Step 5
INTERVENTIONS: Evocative responding: expand the felt sense of an emotional experience with questions and reflections, and expand the formulation/meaning of the experience and how it organizes the response, heighten emotional responses to make them more alive and present, empathic conjecture, restructuring interactions by choreographing enactments
GOAL: To help partner deal in a constructive way with partner’s new behavior and expression of fears.
MEASURABLE: Spouse articulate acceptance of partner’s newly shared vulnerability, will sit and listen attentively for 2 minutes while partner shares, will reach out and touch partner, will share a positive effect of hearing partners experience
INTERVENTION: Contain any effects of the initial discounting of the partner’s new response by the distressed other, supporting the other in his/her confusion at encountering this “new” spouse.
STAGE 2, STEP 7
GOAL: To create emotional engagement and bonding events that redefine the attachment by facilitating the partners formulation and expression of needs and wants to one another
MEASURABLE: Partners are able to clearly state what they need in order to feel safe and connected evidenced by requests made being about contact and comfort instead of about other less emotionally central aspects of the relationship, requests are asked instead of demanded or stated in a blaming context, Partners are able to present their specific requests in a manner that pulls the spouse toward them and maximizes the possibility that this spouse will be able to respond because the attachment signals are clear.
INTERVENTIONS: Evocative responding, empathic conjecture, tracking and reflecting the cycle reflecting the beginnings of a new and positive cycle, reframing, restructuring interactions
GOAL: Achieve withdrawer reengagement
MEASURABLE: Withdrawer is aware of attachment related fear and shame, is able to elaborate on his emotional reality, engages with emotions rather than avoids then, present in interactions rather than elusive, seeking rather than avoiding connection – 1 time in week, partner will talk about partner more positively
INTERVENTIONS: Evocative responding, empathic conjecture, tracking and reflecting the cycle reflecting the beginnings of a new and positive cycle, reframing, restructuring interactions
GOAL: Achieve blamer softening
MEASURABLE: Pursuer is aware of attachment related fear and shame, is able to elaborate on emotional reality, engages with emotions rather than blaming then, present in interactions rather than elusive, seeking rather than blaming – 1 time in week, partner will talk about partner more positively
INTERVENTIONS: Evocative responding, empathic conjecture, tracking and reflecting the cycle reflecting the beginnings of a new and positive cycle, reframing, restructuring interactions
STAGE 2, STEP 8
Facilitate the emergence of new solutions to old relationship problems.
Partners own their own part in, or perspective on, the pragmatic issues in the relationship.
INTERVENTION: support the re-engaging initiatives and help the partner to be open and respond to these actions
STAGE 2, STEP 9
GOAL: Consolidate new positions/cycles of attachment behaviors.
MEASURABLE: positive interactions are more apparent but both reveal vulnerabilities and respond in caring ways to the other
INTERVENTIONS: Reflect and validate new patterns and responses, evocative responding, reframing, restructuring interactions
The couple will construct an overview of the therapy process and appreciate the changes they have made
Couple will construct a coherent and satisfying narrative that captures their experience of the therapy process and their new understanding of the relationship
Couple can articulate future dreams and goals for the relationship
Take a breath and know that 16 million Americans struggle with Anxiety too- you are not alone!
Here are twelve suggestions to help you cope with anxiety:
1. Deep breathing is the first step to stopping the hyperventilating. Be sure to practice deep breathing daily. It can be as simple as breathing in for 8 counts, filling your lungs, and slowly releasing for 8 counts.
2. Start learning about your anxiety: Notice, does it impact your thought life? Your body sensation?
3. Stop taking in caffeine, make sure that you are thoroughly hydrated.
4. Slow down and do some stretching.
5. Problem solve. Notice, what are the things that are burdening you? Make a list and brainstorm solutions.
6. Find a calm place where you can sit and relax. Make sure to give yourself at least 10 mins a day of relaxation.
7. Find a local support group with other folks who are struggling with anxiety, and consider attending it. Many cities have free or low-cost support groups.
8. Start to track your symptoms in a weekly diary. Take notice of when the anxiety comes, how intense it is, and how long it stays.
9. Self-care is essential. Start to monitor your food intake, how often you exercise, your water intake, your menstrual cycle, your rest and your stress. See what patterns you notice and how poor self-care impacts your anxiety.
10. Anxiety can arise when we are suppressing other feelings. Find a time to sit and reflect on what you are feeling that you haven’t acknowledged to yourself. What am I mad about? What’s happened that is sad? What’s the hardest experience I’ve been through lately? What do I wish was different in my life right now? etc…
11. Call a therapist. We are trained and should be able to walk you through the next steps to calm down.
12. Make sure your hormones are balanced and consider taking some supplements eg. Evening Primrose Oil.
