The 3 Key Ways Everyone Can Benefit From Family Therapy

The 3 Key Ways Everyone Can Benefit From Family Therapy

When I first meet someone and strike up a conversation about what I do, I’m often asked who reaps family therapy benefits. Well, the short answer to that question is: everyone. All families experience challenging times. When a family goes through a crisis of some sort, how the family reacts is nearly as important as the crisis itself. That’s where family therapy plays a big role—it works through the challenges within a family, helping each family member grow and learn from the experience.

Certain families have “big” experiences that can make family therapy especially beneficial. If someone in your family has been diagnosed with a serious illness; if a family member has a mental health condition or addiction; if there’s continual conflict between family members; or if a child is going through difficulty and you aren’t sure why, family therapy has a definite role in helping you through those challenges. But even families dealing with the seemingly mundane, everyday challenges of life will come away with three key benefits from time spent in family therapy.


San Diego Family Therapy Benefits: Creates Stronger Emotional Connections

Americans are experiencing a change in mindset when it comes to emotions. In the past, people were encouraged to put their emotions to the side and deal with life. Now we know that it’s important to work through emotions rather than masking them.

Feeling comfortable sharing your emotions can be a challenge, even among family members. It’s important to establish strong emotional connections that allow individuals to truly be themselves and families to work through issues as a whole.

Families are now realizing that they need to be emotionally and relationally strong. They understand that the emotional piece is important now, but aren’t quite sure how to have the conversations that strengthen their relationship. Family therapy is the “safe place” that helps families find that comfort level and strengthen those connections. As families come together in therapy, I work with them to have those important conversations.


San Diego Family Therapy Benefits: Builds Better Communication Skills

So how does family therapy impact communication skills? Consider this: Does your family typically have “normal” discussions in a calm tone of voice? Or do you find yourself beginning a normal conversation and then breaking off into heated battle?

Most people don’t really know or understand the basics of healthy communication. We often simply want to get our point across without giving thought to others in the conversation. It’s something each family has to continually work through.

Family therapy helps family members strengthen their communication skills, allowing them to more constructively work through any challenges they encounter. When you can properly express your feelings and share ideas, it makes dealing with those challenges much easier.


San Diego Family Therapy Benefits: Develops Clearer Boundaries and Rules

The first family therapy sessions are very much about getting to know you. I strive to gain a clear and complete understanding of who you are as individuals and as a family. As part of that, we take a deep dive into how your family functions.

You may be dealing with marital problems, conflict between parents and children or between one child and another, or something beyond the control of your family, such as a health issue or a job loss. Family therapy helps you work through how your family currently works—including family rules—and determine whether that actually works for you and how it can be made better.

My ultimate goal, after all, is to strengthen your family so that you can handle any issues that may arise.

If your family is experiencing a challenging time, I’m here to help. Schedule a free, 15-minute call with me to see how therapy may help your family.

MENTORS

MENTORS

I have been so blessed to have amazing mentors in my life. Tonight I got to celebrate with one of them, Dr. Keith Olson, who is retiring from 19 years of service at Bethel Seminary. A night filled with reminiscing at Bethel tonight, along with staff, faculty and alumni. It was a magical, touching evening of recalling my student days at Bethel, 12 years back. And so even as I was saying goodbye to Keith tonight, he blessed me yet again. I realized that for the first time of living in San Diego, I have major history in this city. I feel so deeply, about a period of my life in San Diego, that happened from 2001 – 2004. I have history in San Diego! That gives me a sense of belonging that I haven’t felt before. But back to Keith, tonight was about him. Here is a tribute to him:

A giant in my life

Your presence is that of a giant

A tall, friendly, gentle giant

A giant in my life

Changing my course in an unequivocal way

 

Always there at Bethel

Available, present, caring and protecting

Guiding and leading as needed

Tender and sweet in nature

 

Coffee meetings in various Starbucks

Intellectual conversations and questions answered

All the while standing in as an attachment figure

Serving a fatherly role without even knowing it

 

I could not be who I am, if it wasn’t for you

Your love, your influence, your training

And I will be forever grateful for the person you are

The teacher, the mentor and friend

 

You will always be a giant in my life

I will always be indebted to you

Tears in my eyes as I write this now

Missing you will become a part of life

 

You’ve sown so much, given of yourself

Changed so many lives, many more than my own

Enjoy your retirement and investing in your little ones

I’m so grateful to have had such a giant in my life

TREATMENT PLAN

TREATMENT PLAN

TREATMENT PLAN

OVERALL GOAL:

To address attachment concerns, reduce attachment insecurities, and foster the creation of a secure bond (Johnson, Creating Connections, p21)

OVERALL TASKS:

  1. The creation and maintenance of a consistent positive therapeutic alliance with both partners.
  2. The accessing and reprocessing of emotional experience.
  3. The restructuring of interactions.

STAGE 1, STEP 1

  1. GOAL: To create an alliance where both partners feel safe and accepted by the therapist

MEASURABLE: client’s report of feeling safe, client’s ability to disclose how he experiences the therapeutic process and his ability to collaborate on treatment goals as evidenced by his participation during the sessions, client giving three examples of the problem areas, client committed to therapy as evidenced by attending weekly for 3 weeks, express vulnerable moments in past 3 weeks, client making eye contact 4 times a session, clients report they are feeling safe and are able to trust.

INTERVENTIONS: attending to the tasks that are important for clients, understanding clients perception of the problem, therapist responding and being accessible to clients, creating a safe environment for clients to explore their distress, working through paperwork and explaining EFT, by identifying and articulating the problematic cognitive-affective processes underlying and generating symptomatic experience, open discussion of history seeking treatment, attend and actively participate in conjoint sessions with partner

  1. GOAL: To assess each partner’s goals and agendas for therapy and to ascertain whether these goals are feasible and compatible with partner’s agendas and therapists skill level, and the nature of the therapy / To assess the nature of the problem and the relationship, including its suitability for therapy in general and EFT in particular

MEASURABLE: clients completing the forms: Initial assessment questionnaire; Couple Satisfaction Checklist;Individual Problem Checklist; The Couple Screening Form and the DAS.

INTERVENTIONS: attending to the tasks that are important for clients, understanding clients perception of the problem, therapist responding and being accessible to clients, creating a safe environment for clients to explore their distress, working through paperwork and explaining EFT, by identifying and articulating the problematic cognitive-affective processes underlying and generating symptomatic experience, open discussion of history seeking treatment, attend and actively participate in conjoint sessions with partner

  1. GOAL: To create a therapeutic agreement between the couple and therapist, a consensus as to therapeutic goals and how therapy will be conducted

MEASURABLE: evidenced in clients and therapist writing down one agreed upon goal for therapy on a form that is signed and placed in chart.

INTERVENTIONS: By utilizing assessment forms, by using reflection, validation and tracking, understanding clients perception of the problem, therapist responding and being accessible to clients, creating a safe environment for clients to explore their distress.

  1. GOAL: To complete assessment of safety and contraindications for therapy

MEASURABLE: by clients attending individual sessions, by completing handouts such as the Couples Satisfaction Checklist, the Individual problem checklist, client signing informed consent, agreeing to no-secrets policy

INTERVENTIONS: Looking at contraindications, discussing no-secrets policy, by asking about the presence of abuse, affairs and addiction, by providing individuals sessions to assess for abuse, affairs and addiction, by discussing the modality of treatment offered, by providing a handout on EFT, assessing for trauma

 

STAGE 1, STEP 2

  1. GOAL: To enter into the experience of each partner and sense how each constructs their experience of this relationship.

MEASURABLE: Assess for view of self and other, their description of their action tendencies

  1. GOAL: To begin to make hypotheses as to the vulnerabilities and attachment issues underlying each partner’s position in the relationship.

MEASURABLE: Client agrees to attachment desires such as wanting to matter

INTERVENTIONS: Empathic conjecture

  1. GOAL: To track and describe the typical recurring sequences of interactions that perpetuate this couple’s distress and to crystallize each partner’s position in the interaction.

MEASURABLE: Cycle sheet is completed, couple will complete the “When we are not getting along sheet”

  1. GOAL: To begin to understand how the present relationship evolved and what prompted the couple to seek therapy.

MEASURABLE: Clients will each share the story of their relationship

  1. GOAL: To begin to hypothesize as to the blocks to secure attachment and emotional engagement within and between partners and to explore these.

MEASURABLE: Complete relationship history and assessment for attachment history and attachment injuries

  1. GOAL: To sense how this couple responds to interventions and how easy or difficult the process of therapy is going to be.

MEASURABLE: Each person in couple takes responsibility for the problems in the relationship as evidenced by the statement … “ I know I…”

  1. GOAL: Partners will recognize the cycle that is keeping them emotionally distant and try to identify the needs and fears fueling that cycle.

MEASURABLE: clients being able to talk about the latest incident of this problem area, identify a trigger to the latest argument, client naming one negative perception they are having during moments of disconnection, one secondary, one primary and one action tendency, the clients ability to recognize triggers, to recognize and report the negative thoughts including ‘I am stupid, I don’t measure up, I am a failure’ to recognize the emotions of ‘fear, sadness, helplessness and shame’ that underly the cycle, by naming three examples of the problems area in the relationship, by the emotional pattern between the couple becoming explicit within session and cycle sheet being filled out completely and placed in file.

INTERVENTIONS: listening and exploring the client’s narrative about the problem, by identifying and articulating the problematic cognitive-affective processes underlying and generating symptomatic experience, tracking, reflection, validation

 

STAGE 1, STEP 3

  1. GOAL: Access the primary emotions that are usually excluded from individual awareness and no explicitly included in the partners’ interactions.

INTERVENTIONS: Actively engaging and focussing on the emotional experience that is occurring in the here and now, expanding the experience, Acknowledge and validate the secondary responses, but then engage the client in the process of exploring specific experiences and eliciting the emotions that are disowned,discounted, or avoided, focus on emotion implicit in nonverbal behavior, when one partner exhibits nonverbal behavior that is in response to the other that is noteworthy due to its incongruity, intensity,or effect on the interaction, redirect the process in the session back when the cycle takes over and help the partner engage more in exploration of experience, have an open stance towards the person often by leaning forward, a slower speaking pace that usual and longer pauses, a lower and softer voice, simple, concrete words, often images and using the clients words, validation, evocative reflections and questions are designed to open up and expand each partner’s emotional experience of the relationship, heightening intensifies crystallizes emotional responses, empathic conjecture expands present process

  1. GOAL: Use the primary emotional responses and the attachment needs reflected by these responses, to expand the context of the couple’s problems.

INTERVENTIONS: expanding the experience, reprocessing the experience with discovery and creation so that new aspects of experience are encountered, by asking permission to stay longer, by asking where in the body the client feels the emotion, by asking what thought is linked to the feeling, by asking what behavior is linked the emotion, by asking what words the feeling has to say, by using therapist self-disclosure to let client see impact on therapist, by normalizing and validating the emotion

  1. GOAL: Access the unacknowledged emotions underlying the interactional positions, Partners will articulate the emotions behind their behaviour, accessing underlying attachment affect
  2. Client will be able to identify the fear she has when she thinks about socially awkward interactions she has
  3. Client states that she feels small and naked when she asks him for help, and so instead she communicates in anger because it makes her feel bigger. Client cries as she explains that….

MEASURABLE: and to share these emotions in sessions by session 5 at least once a session, to identify, name and talk about the fear once per session, by each partner or a client identifying and expressing and coming in contact with their primary emotions fueling secondary reactive behaviors two times per sessions,

INTERVENTIONS: observing and attending to the client’s style of processing emotion, identify and respond to the painful aspects of clients experience, Empathic reflection, Validation of emotions and realities, Evocative questioning and responding, Heighten and expand, Empathic interpretation and conjecture, Track and reflect process, focus on one person’s position in the interaction and how this person experiences the other and his own emotions in this interaction

 

STAGE 1, STEP 4

GOAL: Frame the couple’s problem in terms of the way the couple interact and the emotional responses that organize such interactions.

GOAL: Increase couples awareness of their own role in the conflict and decrease pursuit withdraw/ withdraw – withdraw/ attack – attack cycles

MEASURABLE: Increase awareness of own role in relationship conflicts, evidenced by 2 less critical behaviors per week, fewer conflicts

  1. withdrawn partner is perceived now not so much as indifferent or uncaring, but rather as withdrawing as protection from the enormous impact of the other’s actions

GOAL: Reframe the problem in terms of underlying emotions and attachment needs.

MEASURABLE: Client will recognize negative cycle as the common enemy. Partners will realize that they are both hurting and that neither is to blame. Partners will begin to acknowledge and accept the other’s feelings and their own new responses to those feelings, a clear picture of their negative interaction cycle as the enemy blocking them,

  1. withdrawn partner is not talking in session about his paralysis in the face of his wife’s criticism, rather than just going numb and silent. Wife is still angry, but as actively hostile as before and is beginning to talk of her hurt.

INTERVENTIONS: by assigning couple a between session task noticing when moments of disconnection happen, and in what they contribute to, maintain or end the disconnection, by using attachment language and eliciting motivations behind behavior, staying with primary emotions for long enough for unmet needs to emerge and come into awareness,

GOAL: Couple has formulated a coherent and meaningful picture of the patterns that define their relationship, as well as of how they create them.

GOAL: Partners are engaged in a new kind of dialogue about emotions, attachment issues, and cycles, and how these all go together, are beginning to be emotionally engaged with each other in the therapy sessions.

STAGE 2, STEP 5

GOAL: Emotions accessed in step 3 are experienced more fully and related to the way each partner perceives self and other in the relationship

MEASURABLE: To acknowledge and express to spouse that hostile approaches produces feelings of inadequacy, owning and acceptance of…acknowledged and share with partner client will be able to, to express the impact partner’s behavior has on them in a personal and vulnerable way, show an understanding of their intrapsychic experience and share, talk with partner vulnerable twice in session attachment fears, client will be able to articulate attachment longings and desires

INTERVENTIONS: Empathic reflection, Validation of emotions and realities, Evocative questioning and responding, Heighten and expand, Empathic interpretation and conjecture, directive an enactment

GOAL: Previously unformulated or avoided experience is encountered, claimed, and congruently expressed to the partner.

  1. previously withdrawn husband, who generally avoids the anxious feelings elicited by his wife’s comments, now fully experiences and states his fear of her criticism.

INTERVENTIONS: Redirect the process, and if necessary, block the other partner’s interference.

GOAL: Partners own and take possession of their emotional experience of the relationship

  1. withdrawn husband professes his fear and, in the process, accesses and expresses his unfulfilled need and longing for acceptance.

MEASURABLE: Withdrawn partner is able to explain what is happening in the relationship, in a congruent manner “I feel so small, so I back off and go away”

INTERVENTION: Orient the individual to his/her needs in the relationship

GOAL: Person will reach a sense of closure or synthesis of his/her underlying emotion and clearly relate this experience to the partner, with the focus of sharing on self.

GOAL: Attachment longings and desires begin to be clearly articulated.

 

STAGE 2, STEP 6

GOAL: Support the other partner to hear, process, and respond to to Step 5, so that this new experience can become part of, and begin to reshape, the couple’s interactions.

MEASURABLE: Receiving partner will be responsive to Step 5

INTERVENTIONS: Evocative responding: expand the felt sense of an emotional experience with questions and reflections, and expand the formulation/meaning of the experience and how it organizes the response, heighten emotional responses to make them more alive and present, empathic conjecture, restructuring interactions by choreographing enactments

GOAL: To help partner deal in a constructive way with partner’s new behavior and expression of fears.

MEASURABLE: Spouse articulate acceptance of partner’s newly shared vulnerability, will sit and listen attentively for 2 minutes while partner shares, will reach out and touch partner, will share a positive effect of hearing partners experience

INTERVENTION: Contain any effects of the initial discounting of the partner’s new response by the distressed other, supporting the other in his/her confusion at encountering this “new” spouse.

 

STAGE 2, STEP 7

GOAL: To create emotional engagement and bonding events that redefine the attachment by facilitating the partners formulation and expression of needs and wants to one another

MEASURABLE: Partners are able to clearly state what they need in order to feel safe and connected evidenced by requests made being about contact and comfort instead of about other less emotionally central aspects of the relationship, requests are asked instead of demanded or stated in a blaming context, Partners are able to present their specific requests in a manner that pulls the spouse toward them and maximizes the possibility that this spouse will be able to respond because the attachment signals are clear.

INTERVENTIONS: Evocative responding, empathic conjecture, tracking and reflecting the cycle reflecting the beginnings of a new and positive cycle, reframing, restructuring interactions

GOAL: Achieve withdrawer reengagement

MEASURABLE: Withdrawer is aware of attachment related fear and shame, is able to elaborate on his emotional reality, engages with emotions rather than avoids then, present in interactions rather than elusive, seeking rather than avoiding connection – 1 time in week, partner will talk about partner more positively

INTERVENTIONS: Evocative responding, empathic conjecture, tracking and reflecting the cycle reflecting the beginnings of a new and positive cycle, reframing, restructuring interactions

GOAL: Achieve blamer softening

MEASURABLE: Pursuer is aware of attachment related fear and shame, is able to elaborate on emotional reality, engages with emotions rather than blaming then, present in interactions rather than elusive, seeking rather than blaming – 1 time in week, partner will talk about partner more positively

INTERVENTIONS: Evocative responding, empathic conjecture, tracking and reflecting the cycle reflecting the beginnings of a new and positive cycle, reframing, restructuring interactions

 

STAGE 2, STEP 8

Facilitate the emergence of new solutions to old relationship problems.

Partners own their own part in, or perspective on, the pragmatic issues in the relationship.

INTERVENTION: support the re-engaging initiatives and help the partner to be open and respond to these actions

 

STAGE 2, STEP 9

GOAL: Consolidate new positions/cycles of attachment behaviors.

MEASURABLE: positive interactions are more apparent but both reveal vulnerabilities and respond in caring ways to the other

INTERVENTIONS: Reflect and validate new patterns and responses, evocative responding, reframing, restructuring interactions

The couple will construct an overview of the therapy process and appreciate the changes they have made

Couple will construct a coherent and satisfying narrative that captures their experience of the therapy process and their new understanding of the relationship

 

Couple can articulate future dreams and goals for the relationship

 

Address issues of termination

12 THINGS TO DO WHEN YOU FEEL ANXIOUS

12 THINGS TO DO WHEN YOU FEEL ANXIOUS

Take a breath and know that 16 million Americans struggle with Anxiety too- you are not alone!

Here are twelve suggestions to help you cope with anxiety:

1. Deep breathing is the first step to stopping the hyperventilating. Be sure to practice deep breathing daily. It can be as simple as breathing in for 8 counts, filling your lungs, and slowly releasing for 8 counts.

2. Start learning about your anxiety: Notice, does it impact your thought life? Your body sensation?

3. Stop taking in caffeine, make sure that you are thoroughly hydrated.

4. Slow down and do some stretching.

5. Problem solve. Notice, what are the things that are burdening you? Make a list and brainstorm solutions.

6. Find a calm place where you can sit and relax. Make sure to give yourself at least 10 mins a day of relaxation.

7. Find a local support group with other folks who are struggling with anxiety, and consider attending it. Many cities have free or low-cost support groups.

8. Start to track your symptoms in a weekly diary. Take notice of when the anxiety comes, how intense it is, and how long it stays.

9. Self-care is essential. Start to monitor your food intake, how often you exercise, your water intake, your menstrual cycle, your rest and your stress. See what patterns you notice and how poor self-care impacts your anxiety.

10. Anxiety can arise when we are suppressing other feelings. Find a time to sit and reflect on what you are feeling that you haven’t acknowledged to yourself. What am I mad about? What’s happened that is sad? What’s the hardest experience I’ve been through lately? What do I wish was different in my life right now? etc…

11. Call a therapist. We are trained and should be able to walk you through the next steps to calm down.

12. Make sure your hormones are balanced and consider taking some supplements eg. Evening Primrose Oil.

ACCEPTING, UNDERSTANDING, AND MANAGING YOUR ANXIETY

ACCEPTING, UNDERSTANDING, AND MANAGING YOUR ANXIETY

Accepting Your Anxiety

Accepting that you get anxious can feel like you are surrendering to something awful. I encourage you to congratulate yourself because it’s not easy to recognize anxiety! In fact our anxiety often manifests itself in many different ways. For example many people believe that they are having a heart attack and end up in the local ER. Others focus on the external things, “If I just had a clean house I wouldn’t feel this way” or “If I just had a new job I’d be better.” Yet despite making many changes, we end up with the same symptoms reappearing over time. Finally we figure out that it’s our body that is undergoing a stress response.

So, seeing your anxiety and accepting that it’s something happening inside of you, that causes you to go into a fight and flight response, is a big first step!

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Understanding Your Anxiety

Great! Now what? And it’s not all bad news. Identifying the problem is half the solution! Because you can manage what you know and can make sense of. The other good news is that you are not alone. 16 million Americans suffer from anxiety. This is actually good news, because it lets you know just how common anxiety is, and also how researched it is. There is a lot that can be done.

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So now that you know it’s there, let’s start figuring out what’s going on. And to do that, you need to observe, be willing to learn, and to track well. Start a journal and write down everything that you notice about your stress response.

How do you know it’s anxiety? What in your body and mind tell you that? Is it something you keep thinking about? Or is it the pain you feel in your chest? Write down every symptom that you can. For a list of common symptoms, stay tuned; I will be covering this later this month.

Now start tracking these symptoms. Notice when they arise, and the intensity of the symptom. After collecting evidence for a couple days, what patterns have you noticed? Is your anxiety worse in the morning or afternoon? Does it present on a Monday morning after the weekend on your way back to work? Is it worse after you’ve eaten a certain food, or after you’ve been thinking about your deceased loved one? There is always a pattern, and there is always a reason. Start looking for this!

Managing Your Anxiety

Once you recognize you are anxious, your job is practice coping skills that will stop your fight-flight response and initiate a calming response. There are many different ways to do this. These include physiological ways, through deep breathing. Another way is to do exercise or progressive muscle relaxation, systematically tightening and relaxing your muscles. Make sure you are hydrated and stay away from caffeine, which aggravates anxiety. On a thought level, you are going to start to notice anxious thinking, and actively change the way you think. This will change the way you feel. Finally you are going to understand why your system has sent you anxiety, and understand what it is that your body is needing. Once you understand the root cause, and can take care of yourself in a different way, the anxiety won’t be necessary anymore.

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